Last Goodbye
by NPHXREDBULL
Summary: Barney is having trouble sleeping and is suffering from panic attacks. He loves Robin, but there's something wrong. However, when he goes out for a while to clear his head, he finds a way of coping with his troubles that has some disastrous results. Meanwhile, Robin has a problem of her own. Rated M for drugs and some swearing.
1. Panic Attacks

**Hey, guys! This is my first fanfiction on so please don't be ****_too_**** harsh! This is set sometime after Barney and Robin get married. I've always wanted to do a deathfic, so... Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Barney's head was beaded with sweat. His face was flushed and all he wanted to do was rip his clothes off. However, this was not because of the usual reason. Barney had been waking up hot and sweaty for the past week. And it was killing him.

Every day was perfect. He'd wake up and look to his side. He'd see Robin's peaceful, smiling face hogging the covers in a deep slumber. He'd drift back off to sleep, then awake an hour later to find steaming hot syrupy pancakes waiting for him, as well as his equally hot wife. They'd go to work, come home, tell each other about their day, he'd hold her hand and smell her hair...then they'd go to bed and do it. It was all perfect. But Barney had been suffering from panic attacks for weeks now, and he couldn't stand it.

Barney turned to look at Robin's sleeping face. She was so beautiful in the mornings. Barney carefully shuffled out of the bed, put on his bathrobe and tiptoed over to the kitchen. Barney smiled. All of the ingredients were already set out on the tabletop, ready to make his pancakes. Barney poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. He clasped the scorching mug with both hands and took a sip. The warmth spread through him like a forest fire as he leant back and rested his head on the sofa. It was only 1:26am, but Barney knew he wasn't going back to sleep. He closed his eyes for a while, then set his coffee down and wandered around aimlessly. Eventually, he sighed and went back into the bedroom to retrieve some clothes. He undid his pale blue bathrobe, carelessly throwing it on the floor. He looked back over at Robin. Her bedhead made him chuckle. He grabbed a blue suit and striped tie and began to get dressed. He'd already done up five buttons before he realised he'd buttoned his shirt wrong. He groaned. He was in no mood for this.

After he'd suited up, he returned to the living room. He picked up his coffee. The mug was cold. He walked over to the sink and poured it away, leaving the mug on the side. He peered around one last time at Robin. He lingered. Finally, he reached for a notepad and pulled out a pen. He scribbled down a few sentences, grimaced at his terrible handwriting and ripped the page out. He carefully placed it on top of the pancake ingredients and smiled gently. Then he left.

Robin awoke, startled. The light was on and it blinded her. She rubbed her forehead. It was dripping with sweat. Her face was red and as hard as she tried, she couldn't catch her breath. She clawed desperately at her clothes, trying to get them off. She groaned. She too, had been having panic attacks.

Robin knew she loved Barney with all her heart, but there was something keeping her from her sleep. She rubbed her eyes and turned to her side, expecting to see a sleepy blond with the most adorable bedhead she'd ever seen. Sometimes, she'd accidentally wake him up and he'd look up at her with his big blue eyes and mutter, '...What time is it..?' She'd answer and apologise for waking him, but he'd just stare up at her with his beautiful blue eyes. His beautiful, beautiful blue eyes. She'd stare back, getting lost in them, and then suddenly he'd kiss her.

But today was not one of those days. Because Barney wasn't there.

Robin's heart began to beat faster.

"Barney..?" Robin threw the covers off her and clambered out of bed. On her way to the living room, she trod on something fuzzy. Robin looked down and picked up a sweaty bathrobe. She stormed into the living room. "Barney, could you please stop just throwing your sweaty clothes on the floor, it's really starting to-" Robin spotted the paper resting on the pancake ingredients and made her way to the kitchen. She picked it up and read it aloud.

'Gone out for a bit. Don't worry, we can still do it when I get home.

Love you X'

Robin smirked and whispered, eyes watering, "You're an idiot."

Robin took a few deep breaths. Barney loved her, and that was all that mattered. She figured he'd be home soon, so she began to make his pancakes. She bent down and opened the cupboard to reveal a bowl and frying pan. She placed the note on the side next to his mug and opened the bag of flour, sprinkling it into the bowl. She pulled an egg from the box and tapped it carefully on the side of the bowl. She was just about to crack it open, when she felt faint.

She let go of the egg and it splattered inside the bowl. Robin grabbed hold of the sideboard. Her heart was beating rapidly now and she couldn't breathe. Her throat felt like it was sealing itself up. She was burning up and felt terribly, terribly sick. "Barney!" she yelled desperately. She knew he wasn't there, but he had to be. She sprinted into every single room, yelling his name at the top of her voice. "Barney! Barney! Barney, please! I need you! Barney..." she buckled over and tried not to scream. Tears streamed from her eyes and her voice was shaky. "Barney..." An overwhelming sickness came over her, so strong she thought she might collapse, and she ran to the bathroom, clutching her stomach. She vomited violently, screaming his name. She wanted him there, holding her hair back, telling her stupid jokes, saying she looked beautiful.

"Barney...please come home."


	2. It All Turned White

**Okay, this chapter contains drugs, but the story won't contain any description of drugs actually being taken. Anyway, hope you enjoy it! It's a little OOC...**

* * *

Barney had been wandering around aimlessly for hours now. His expression was cold, ice-cold. Each person he walked by, he stared right through them. Barney had no idea what he was doing. He just wanted to feel better.

The truth was, Barney knew why he was so stressed. But the reason made him feel ashamed. Ashamed because Robin was such an amazing person and she deserved someone who loved every single thing about her. Ashamed because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't over look one tiny imperfection of Robin's. Ashamed because he couldn't be the man he wanted to be. He hated himself. He despised himself. But he just couldn't let it go. Barney had grappled with it for weeks, he'd been up nights. He'd tried to convince himself that it was okay, but he couldn't. Barney loved Robin with all his heart, just as Robin loved him, but one thing was tearing him apart. Ripping him to shreds. Destroying his entire being.

Barney turned to his right. Just ahead was a small, cramped alleyway. Barney darted towards it, desperate for a place he could just hide away from the world. The alley was extremely dark and there was nowhere to go, so Barney just slouched against the wall. He buried his head in his hands and scratched at his neck. He rubbed his eyes, trying not to let it get to him. He leant back and rested his head on the cold stone wall. It was harder than he had thought it would be. Barney let out a small moan. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't he just be up front with her? No. No, he couldn't be. She'd leave him. And he couldn't face that. But he couldn't go on like this. It was breaking him.

"What the Hell are you doing in our part of town?" Barney looked up, his face frozen with fear. Towering over him was a gang of shady teens, each one looking more furious than the next. "I said, what the fuck are you doing in our part of town?" The leader of the group ran his hand through his jet black hair and glared at Barney. Barney stood up and backed up into the wall. Barney had been slapped many times before, but never beaten up. Barney was pretty sure that was about to change.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know that, uh, this was-"

"Oh, you're here for the stuff." Barney paused.

"The stuff..?" The teen reached into his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag filled with a white powder. Barney froze.

"Give us the money and we'll gladly hand some over."

Barney had never done drugs. Not this kind of drug. Never had he seen so much of a class a drug. Barney was disgusted. It made him feel ill. He'd been pulled into some kind of sick game and he didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry, but I don't-"

He stopped. Why did he stop? The bag was taunting him. It was playing games with him. Barney could take it if he wanted. It was right there; there was nothing stopping him. Everything made no sense any more. His life was simply crumbling and all he wanted was to disappear. Maybe if he took it he could. Maybe if he took enough... Barney felt dizzy. He didn't know what to do any more. Part of him was appalled, part of him yearned for the dangerous white substance in the plastic bag. But then he thought of Robin. Sweet Robin. Waiting at home with steamy pancakes. Welcoming him home with a smile. Her beautiful smile... No. He couldn't do this. Never. Never would Barney Stinson cause so much pain for his beautiful wife. Never, ever, could he trust himself again if he gave in.

But then he thought harder. Robin wasn't perfect, so why did he have to be? He'd thought about it over and over, but now was the first time he was thinking clearly, or so he thought. This was the first time he could admit to himself that he had a problem with Robin. That there was something about Robin that he could never get over. Something he would change in a heartbeat if he had the chance. And that was when he realised that he _could_ live with himself if he did this. He _could_ cope knowing he was doing drugs. He _could_ destroy his whole life. Because he wanted kids. And that was something Robin couldn't give him.

"Okay. I'm in."

* * *

Back at home, Robin was still vomiting. She'd stop for a minute, feel better, sit back down, then have to run to the bathroom again.

"Help..." Robin clamped her mouth shut and ran into the living room. She looked around desperately for the phone. She felt something stirring in her stomach and groaned. When her hands finally stopped shaking, she grabbed the phone and dialled Barney's number. The phone rang. And rang. And rang. The ringing played over and over in her head until she thought she'd collapse again. But suddenly, she was awoken from her daze by the sound of a familiar voice.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Oh, thank God you're there, Barney, I -"

"I'm out being awesome right now, so leave a message!" Robin's hands trembled. The phone fell from her hands and hit the ground. Robin was a mess. It had been hours since Barney left and she was terrified. Every time she stood up, she vomited. But she had to find him. He needed to know.

Robin fumbled with her keys, but finally managed to unlock the door. She slammed it behind her, yelling for a taxi. She ran up and down the block, screeching at the top of her voice.

"Please...Please..." she whispered. But she couldn't find a taxi anywhere. How could she not find a taxi in New York? So she took her last resort. Her bike.


	3. Love is a Drug

**Hey, guys! Thanks for the lovely comments! This is the second-from-last chapter I think. Maybe I'll do more, like the rest of the gang's reactions. But anyway... This is the chapter where some stuff actually happens, and the next chapter... Well... Wait and see! Byeeee! X**

* * *

Barney's head felt full of emptiness. Everything was hazy, floating around in limbo. His mind was so foggy. The only way to describe it was to say his head was like an untuned TV screen, fuzzy and confusing. Barney stumbled down the road, completely disorientated. Everything was swirling, but when he opened his eyes, everything looked crisper, sharper than before. The colours were so vivid, and he could hear everything so clearly.

His face was completely blank. The light behind his eyes, that little sparkle that made his eyes so blue, was completely gone. His mouth hung open slightly, his cracked lips stung by the freezing air rushing past him. His nose was red. He looked like he had a terrible cold. He breathed in sharply. Each time he breathed in, the cold air would rush up to his head and whirl around, making it spin uncontrollably. He couldn't feel anything. He was immune to everything.

His eyes were the things that were so shocking. Completely glazed over, not even a hint of life. His blue eyes looked almost grey, and simply stared past the world and into a different dimension.

Barney's head was murky, groggy, deafening. Everything was pounding. He felt dead inside, yet so alive. The street was empty. A single lamppost flickered, lighting up the thick mist of the icy town. Barney felt himself lean to one side. He threw his head back, swayed a little, and kept on walking, way, way into the night.

* * *

Robin was pedalling as fast as she could. Her feet kept slipping from the bike, and it made her mad. The bike rode along the bumpy pavement, stirring something inside of Robin that she had to keep down. The world was sprinting by, and everything was blurred. Bright colours flashed before her eyes. Robin help her head in pain. She had no idea where she was going, but she had to find Barney.

Suddenly, she felt her hand loosen on the handlebars. 'No', she thought. 'This can't be happening'. But she knew it was. She could feel herself falling miles and miles, until she hit the pavement with a bang. Everything suddenly went black. 'No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.' Sixteen no's later, she was out. Her body lay limp and lifeless on the concrete. Her eyes were closed tightly. But even in her sleep-deprived, unconscious state, she managed to utter his name one more time.

"Barney... "

* * *

Barney had been wandering, high, for an hour now. He hadn't encountered another human being since he was handed the drugs.

"_Use it wisely." Barney reached out and grasped the bag. He yanked it forcefully from the teenager's hand and held it close to his chest._

"_Uhh... Thanks." Barney felt himself start running. He'd given no command to start running. He simply ran. A few blocks away, Barney reached into the bag. He felt the powder on his fingers. Barney took a deep breath. He held his fingers to his nose and shivered. This was it. This was the moment he'd start feeling okay._

Barney stared into the abyss, still walking. A muffled, high-pitched noise, like the sound of a radio between two stations, played over and over in his head.

Barney walked. And walked. And walked.

Barney's previously expressionless face was now painted with a sinister smirk. Not even Barney knew why. All he knew was that he was on his way. And he knew exactly where to.

* * *

Robin felt the concrete beneath her. What had happened? Why was she on the ground? Robin sat up slowly. Her back muscles tensed as she heaved her top half up off the ground. She looked around cautiously. Her neck had seized up and was incredibly stiff, but other than that, she felt fine. Robin rubbed her aching neck. She looked down at her hands, expecting to see blood, but instead saw nothing. Robin attempted to stand back up. She leant over and pushed off the ground as hard as she could. Robin struggled to lift her incredibly heavy body. Everything felt numb.

She tried to steady herself, but couldn't. She leant on her knees and let them take all of her weight, staring down at her lap. It was covered in a thick, lumpy vomit. Great. She'd thrown up. She wiped the sick from around the edge of her mouth and leant backwards. Her body toppled to the left, before managing to stand vertically. Robin's limp body tingled. Nothing hurt, but she knew something was wrong. She shouldn't be feeling fine. Why was she feeling fine? Although in no pain, Robin was exhausted. She assumed she was hallucinating now as she watched the display of colourful shapes dance around in front of her. They were almost blinding her. Robin clamped her eyes shut for a moment, then slowly opened them again.

Robin_ knew_ she was hallucinating now. Because Barney was standing right in front of her. And he was telling her something.

"I love you..."

For the first time, Robin felt sober. She could see his face clearly now. His adorable bedhead. His beautiful, beautiful blue eyes. She forgot the stress she'd been under. She forgot her aching body. She forgot everything. Because Barney was here now, and that was all that mattered.

"Barney..?" Robin was grinning from ear to ear now, wiping endless tears from her eyes. "Barney, thank God you're-!"

_Click._

* * *

The whole world stood still.

Robin's mind went blank. Everything was spinning. Her body began to tremble as her knees grew weak. Her tear-stained face was frozen in terror.

"Hello, Robin."

All she could do was stare into his eyes. Those were the same blue eyes that would gaze down on her while she made his pancakes. Those were the same blue eyes that looked up at her eagerly as he kissed her neck and told her she was beautiful. And those were the same blue eyes that stared right through her, as he pointed a gun directly at her face.

"Robin, I love you." Robin stumbled backwards. Her red and swollen face stared down the nose of the gun in horror. "I love you so much Robin. You look so beautiful today. Just as you do every day." Robin's heart pounded violently against her ribcage.

"B-Barney..."

"Hush!" he snapped. He placed one icy cold finger upon her trembling lips. "Just don't talk. It'll all be okay." He stroked her cheek tentatively with the back of his hand. Robin flinched. Barney gazed lovingly at her with a trembling smile, his eyes glistening with tears. "It'll all be over soon."

"Barney..." Robin whispered, gasping for air. Barney grasped the gun with both hands and lined it up with Robin's face. An enthusiastic smile was plastered on his face. "Barney, please..."

_Click._

"Barney...!" Barney held his arms out straight in front of him with his hands securely on the gun. "No! Barney, please...! PLEASE, BARNEY!" screamed Robin. She clasped her head and dug her nails into the back of her neck, trying to rip it in two. "BARNEY, PLEASE!" she shrieked, endless tears streaming from her face. Robin desperately reached around her pocket, begging for her to find it in time. "PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! PLEASE..!" she sobbed.

"Bye bye, sweetie. I love you."

"BARNEY!-" 

_BANG._


	4. Together

Barney yawned and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He squinted, peering down at his watch. It was 1:01am . Had he been here all night? Barney let out a small groan. His head was pounding and his neck was killing him. Everything ached. Barney looked down wearily at his hands. They were shaking uncontrollably and smeared with blood. However, in his dazed state, he took no notice. Barney stumbled to his feet. He almost collapsed to the floor again, but managed to stand up by leaning on a nearby bin. It was omitting a stench of decay that made him retch. Barney pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes. And groaned once more. Why couldn't he remember last night? All he remembered was Robin. ...Robin!

Barney gasped. What had happened to Robin? He'd left yesterday morning and hadn't returned home. She must have been out looking for him by now. Barney reached into his pocket and searched desperately for his phone. His nail got caught on the fabric inside and ripped it. He inhaled sharply, clutching his hand. He quickly flipped his phone open and looked for messages. A small exclamation mark flashed in the corner of his phone. 1 new voicemail.

Barney's fingers tapped the buttons in desperation and held the phone to his ear. Barney zoned out from the world as he listened to what seemed like endless shuffling and muffled shrieks. Then he heard vomiting. Oh dear God, Robin. Sweet Robin. Where was she? Barney stopped the playback. He couldn't bear to listen to Robin vomit anymore. He had to find her.

Just as he was about to lock his phone, he noticed something. Something surprising. Barney had sent 362 messages last night. And all to one woman. Barney scrolled anxiously through his texts. What did he have to say that could fill 362 messages? Barney stared at the texts blankly. Around half of them were empty. A few had random symbols, a few were a random combination of letters and numbers:

_fasueiaaeyfggfsoky23t54.._

Some contained images, such as mesmerizing shots of the pavement, or a blurred .jpeg of his shoes. Barney wasn't sure how many of these worthless texts he could read. Some were nonsense sentences:

_appleorchArdbananacatdance8663_

Or...

_the monkey is sleeping DO NOt waKE.!_

Barney massaged his head as he read through dozens of pointless texts, until finally, he stopped. One particular message was sent 105 times.

_im coming_

Over and over again, he saw that message. His eyes twitched. Had he seen Robin last night? Did she know where he was? Barney looked around. He couldn't see Robin anywhere. Barney began keying in her number.

Oh, crap. What the Hell was her number?

Barney's head was spinning again. How had he forgotten Robin's number? Even for just one second, he was sure he'd never forget Robin's number. He scrolled through his texts from last night to find her number and shivered. There was something bad about those messages. Barney held the phone to his ear waited. The phone rang and rang and rang. No one was picking up. Barney was about to throw the phone to the ground, when he heard her ringtone.

"_Come on, Jessica, come on, Tori..." _Barney felt his heart beating in his throat. _"Let's go, to the mall, you won't be sorry..."_

Barney's ears were ringing. They were filling up with the white noise he'd heard before. He slammed his knuckles down onto his head. Hard.

He had to stay with it. He was so close.

Barney crept around the corner. _"Put on your jelly bracelets, and your cool graffiti coat, at the mall, havin' fun is what it's all about..."_

Barney couldn't see anything at first. But as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he froze.

"_Hi, I'm not here right now, so leave a message."_

* * *

Barney's wide, luminous eyes, were fixed on the figure in front of him. They glistened with trembling tears, his face a pasty white. The cold air rushed in though his open, quivering lips, frosty hands reaching their way down into his throat and choking him slowly.

"No. No, no, no."

She was laying in a pool of what was once scarlet, but was now a polluted dark red, the coppery stench of blood flooding through his body and engulfing him. The thick, glossy red liquid collected in small cracks in the pavement. His pupils dilated rapidly as his eyes locked on her face. It was completely intact, yet appeared to be starting to rot away. Directly in between her startled greying eyes was a large, gaping hole. Barney heaved as he saw a blood-stained shard of her skull. But by now, he was far past examining her. He was no longer looking at her, but right through her.

"Robin..?"

All light had gone from her eyes. They were now an icy grey.

"ROBIN!"

Barney felt his head get heavier. He didn't know what to do.  
In front of him lay his beautiful wife.

Dead.

Barney saw something glint out of the corner of his eye. A, heavy, black gun. It was resting gently by her side. Barney began to shake. Had she... killed herself?

Barney snapped. _Had _he made her kill herself? Was it all his fault? Had he been so stressed that he was acting cold to her and she... took her own life? Barney couldn't take it all in. He had killed his wife. Everything was his fault. He'd been fretting over the fact he could never be a dad, while she was in so much pain... She killed herself? Barney began to vomit. Violently. He'd been taking drugs... while she was committing suicide? No. No. Barney couldn't deal with this. Barney fell to his hands and knees. Barney felt vomit surge up through his throat. He heaved again and the vomit splattered onto the pavement. He coughed up the remainder of it, spluttering. No. No. NO.

Barney eyes fell on her wedding ring. It was the one thing clearly visible among the swamp of sick and... Blood. Barney gagged and spewed violently on the pavement again. His throat burned. He panted and regained his breath. He managed to look back up at the wedding ring. Barney opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. He simply stayed as he was, spluttering and shaking. He couldn't take his eyes off the wedding ring.

Their vows. Their first dance. Their first night together.

Barney vomited again and again.

How could he do this to her? He was a murderer. A MURDER. He had_ murdered _his own wife. He was never there when she needed him, and now she was gone.

"Oh, God." whispered Barney, in between sobs.

"OH, GOD..!" Barney could never live with himself knowing his wife had killed herself because of him.

Then it hit him.

He could never live with himself.

* * *

Barney suddenly felt numb. He had stopped vomiting and he had stopped crying. He slowly reached out towards the gun.

He picked it up. It was cold. And heavy.

Barney stood up. He couldn't feel anything anymore. He clasped the gun tightly. It felt good. It fitted perfectly into his hands.

Barney raised it to his head. For the first time he was calm. He felt the cold metal and didn't flinch. Barney wasn't thinking anymore. His finger rested gently on the trigger. He smiled grimly.

Barney thought it over. Yes. Yes, he should do this. He couldn't picture a world without Robin. He had to do this. To end his pain.

He knew it was cowardly, but it was all he could do. He had killed his wife. And now he had to pay.  
Barney increased the pressure on the trigger and with one quick movement-

Barney froze. Slowly, he lowered the gun. He burst into hysterical laughter, then reverted back to a neutral expression.  
What Barney saw next would haunt him for the rest of his life, however short that may be.

"No", he smiled painfully. Barney crouched down. He grasped Robin's left hand.

"No." He was laughing hysterically again now. "No!" He pulled it from her hand.

"No, no, no, no, no!" His laughter had ceased, but the pained, trembling smile was still painted on his face. His eyes glistened with tears.

In his hands, he held a pregnancy test.

Barney took it in for a moment, before throwing it to the ground.

Barney's hand trembled as he raised the gun to his head once more. It only took a split second.

_BANG._

Barney lay lifeless on the ground beside Robin. His blue eyes looked up to the sky.  
At least now they'd be with each other forever.

Barney, Robin, and the baby.

* * *

**Hey, guys! This was the last chapter of the story, and I think it went okay. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story!**

_Just to clarify, Barney took drugs because he wanted to be a dad but couldn't and was a little stressed. He shot Robin because he was on drugs and went a bit crazy, not because she couldn't give him kids. That'd be a bit of an overreaction!_

_Then he saw the gun and believed she'd committed suicide, when in fact HE had killed her but he'd forgotten what had happened. He was about to kill himself, until he saw Robin had taken a pregnancy test. The test was POSITIVE. Robin WAS pregnant, which is why at the end it said they died together, Barney, Robin and the baby._

_Sorry if you guys already got that, just clearing it up in case people thought Robin HAD killed herself or didn't understand if she was pregnant or not._

**Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Please review so I can know what you thought! I know it ended kind of... yeah, so I'd love to know if you thought it worked well or was a bit to abrupt and strange. Thank you. X**


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